Balancing the Fashion See-Saw

While it’s only been a little over three months since my fashion fast ended, it feels like an eternity since I last posted on this blog. Several of you have asked how I have been doing so I wanted to give an update on what life has been like for me- post fast.

I’m going to come clean. It’s been hard. It took me some time to find my footing and I’m still trying to make my way through life post- fast. I guess I’ve been nervous about sharing my struggles. I feel like a bit of a fraud. While I gained a great amount of insight, pearls of wisdom and deep awareness during my 6 month fashion fast, some of that went out the window in the last few months.

Here's how it started: My fashion fast ended on January 22, 2010. I felt strong and focused. I felt confidant with the self awareness and confidence that I had gained during my self imposed fashion moratorium. In fact, I really wasn’t interested in getting back out there to shop. Though, as a symbolic act, and to mark my new found fashion freedom, I made a small purchase the week my fast ended. I bought a simple, black top, just to see what it would feel like. To my utter surprise I felt nothing. No highs, no lows, no anxiety. Nothing. I had aimlessly walked through the store, monitoring my emotions and feelings, preparing for I don’t know what, and as I took in all of the clothes and accessories, I wasn’t interested in a damn thing. I was proud of myself. After 6 months of not shopping, purging my closet several times, stripping myself down (figuratively speaking) to my fashion bare bones, I didn’t care, need or want anything. Phew! The fast worked! I’m a new woman! I don’t need to shop, I don’t need clothes, life is good…or so I thought.

It’s worth noting that around the time my fast ended I was in the middle of a huge life transition. I moved to a different state, in with my boyfriend, his three daughters and changed my work structure. Let me expand, on January 1st, I moved from New Jersey to Boston, in with my boyfriend of a year and a half and his three daughters (ages 9, 11 and 14). I received a job promotion, which involved a whole new area of focus, more travel and transition to working from home 3 days a week versus going into an office. While my two cats, my boyfriend, his three daughters and I have blended our families pretty well, it was and has been an adjustment for all (namely for me and my oldest cat who has taken to hissing at her new roommates, oh dear!).

Even though I knew that these changes could catapult me into some bad shopping behavior, I wanted to treat myself. It had been too long. I accrued some spare change during my fast and wanted to buy some fresh pieces to give my tired wardrobe the punch it had needed. So I carved out some “me” time one evening and went to my favorite store- Bloomingdale's. I walked through the women’s department surveying the scene for about 30 minutes… taking my time, touching the clothes, feeling the fabrics, observing the trends and just taking it all in. I was happy to be back in the world of shopping. Not in an addictive, “I need this” kind of way, but in an, “ain’t it great to be a woman” kind of way. I didn’t check price tags. I didn’t go to the sale racks. I wanted to look at what I liked and not have it be dictated by what was on sale. In the past, I would often settle for things that were on sale that I didn’t’ wholeheartedly like or need, because simply put, it was on sale. This time it was different.

I gathered up several dresses and tops and made three trips to the dressing room- trying on, modeling, putting back, and getting more items, repeat, repeat. I thoughtfully chose a lovely, classic navy blue Marc Jacobs feminine dress and a gray, long sleeved, billowy Diane Von Furstenberg blouse. I did it! I took my new found fashion wisdom and insight that I had gained during my fast and purchased two well thought out, well deserved, well made, classic items.

I liked how my new purchases brought life back to my closet. I liked the feeling I got (and the compliments…oh yes, ego was at play here!) when I wore these pieces. I wish I could say that the subsequent shopping experiences were equally as deliberate and modulated. Not so much. I wanted more. I needed more.

My fashion wheels started to turn and I was off! From my old favorite shoe web site- Piperlime.com to J.Crew, Club Monaco, LuLu Lemon, Anthropologie, Christian Louboutin, back to Bloomingdale's and back again, I was on a roll. While none of these purchases were frivolous, too much time was spent thinking about them. I knew what was going on for me. I was back to my old familiar place of shopping taking over my mind and body.

I also knew that shopping filled the time that all of a sudden I had been afforded. Now that I was working from home, I didn’t have my mornings and evenings filled with commuting. My boyfriend’s three wonderful daughters were with us half-time, so on the weekends and days we didn’t have them and my boyfriend was occupied at his busy job, I had time to fill. And living in a new city, without a posse of friends and family, shopping filled up time and space.
I’m happy to share that I am leveling off. I have taken a slight pause from shopping, but nowhere near a restricted fast. As I said in a previous blog posting- extremes aren’t good in any situation- whether it be overworking, overusing a blackberry, overwatching television, overdrinking, over hopping, it just ain’t good.

So, for me, I’m working toward striking a balance…the see-saw was up, the see-saw was down, but for now, it’s balancing somewhere close to the middle, although shaky at times, it’s hanging close to the middle.

One Day at a Time.

Miss F.

Breaking the Fast

January 22nd came and went with minimal fanfare and pomp and circumstance. One dear friend did send a text congratulating me for making it to 6 months and keeping my word. Thank you Miss A! In fact, thank you all for supporting me and being there through my process, revelations and journey. Many of you completed the survey and 100% agreed that I should stop my Fashion Fast on said date. I enjoyed reading your comments and it helped give me the vote of confidence I needed to come out of my safe, hibernating zone and see how I would manage in the world of shoppers.

I feel good. I have learned so much about myself. In thinking back to when this all started (July 22nd to be exact), I was scared, nervous and couldn’t imagine a life without shopping and all things fashion. It had filled up so much of my physical and emotional space. The issues I wrote about, and struggled with, during the first couple of months of my fast seem like a distant memory. Don’t get me wrong, I still love fashion and appreciate the art of dressing and putting together a great outfit. I just don’t feel the extreme highs when thinking about shopping like I used to. My Fashion Fast was the long overdue break I needed after decades of being on shopping auto pilot.

I tested the waters the other day and went to Bloomingdales. I walked around the store and thought about what I would eventually buy with the money I had been saving for the past 6 months. I surprised myself as nothing really appealed to me. I realized I didn’t really need anything. And more importantly, I didn’t want anything! It felt and feels amazing!

I will continue to use this blog as a way to communicate my progress and check in with you all. It has served as a great support system for me and a way to hold myself accountable. Thanks for being there.

More (or less) to come!

One Day at a Time,

Miss F.

My Self-Contained Fashion Bubble

Happy New Year fellow followers! I have missed you all. It's been about a month since I last blogged and it's good to be back. The holidays were busy and I am now spending my time in Boston. I appreciate all the feedback, comments and emails you have sent over the last 5 plus months of my fashion fast. I am in the home stretch as it ends on January 22, 2011. I am proud to share that I have remained committed to the fast and have not purchased clothes, jewelry or shoes since this started!

Surprisingly, I'm not really chomping at the bit like I thought I would be to get out there and shop. Some of it is due to a nice healthy amount of avoidance. I've been living in a bit of a self-contained bubble. I haven't opened a catalog, visited an internet shopping site or gone into a store for myself since the start of this fast. And it's been quite easy to not care or long for any particular clothes item (like I have in the past in a very obsessive way). I'm not so sure that this is a realistic gage on how I will do once this fast comes to an end.

I was recently watching one of my new favorite reality shows called, "Celebrity Rehab" with Dr. Drew. In the episode, they took 8 of the in-patient rehab participants on a field trip to the busiest tourist section of Hollywood. The cameras followed the participants around as they walked the streets, had lunch and were tempted by the lure of the drug dealers standing on many of the street corners. The rationale behind putting these folks in a high-risk environment was to prepare them for what the real world would be like once they were discharged from their in-patient treatment center. You see, their in-patient surroundings don't mimic real life. They have a lot of support and are living in somewhat of a self-contained bubble.

So you may be asking how the heck does this relate to my Fashion Fast as clearly this isn't as dire a situation. I agree. Yet, I have real concerns about how I will handle the adjustment back into the real world of shopping. What will it feel like to leaf through a J.Crew catalogue? Will it send my heart racing, which is fine. But will I then begin to earmark all of my favorite "picks" and fixate on what I want for hours and days to come?  Up until now, I have really only operated in two speeds- intense shopping mode or avoidant non-shopping mode. I don't really know any other way. I do think from all this distance and time I will be more aware of my "stuff" once I start shopping and hopefully won't slide down the slippery slope into a full "I need, I need, I need" mode.

However, I don't know if it's a good thing to come off the fast at said date or stay on it for a bit longer and continue the self-imposed reflection and distance from the real world. I'm open to suggestions and any advice you can lend. I have created a brief 3 question survey to gather your feedback. Please click on this link to access it Miss F's Survey

Thanks for your guidance!

One Day at a Time,
Miss F.

How do you show love?

Thank you everyone for your emails and posts on whether I should continue with my fashion fast. Half of you think I should stay on the fast for a few more months and the other half say the hell with it, go out and shop! I’ve still got some time, so I’ll keep you posted on what I decide to do when the fast hits the 6 month mark on January 22nd.

It’s not easy though as this time of year has historically been a struggle for me. The holiday season usually served as a good justification to go overboard on shopping. I used it as an excuse to ramp up on my own personal shopping under the guise of “holiday shopping” for others. For years I had my “holiday shopping” technique down to a science. It went something like this- as soon as December 1st arrived I drafted a detailed list of the gifts I planned on buying for loved ones and co-workers. I promised myself that I would stick to the list, check it twice and even though I had been nice, this was not a time for me to be shopping for myself. However, as far back as my college days I always wound up overspending on “holiday gifts” for myself.

The moment I entered a store my heart would start to race and like Pavlov’s dog I’d begin to sweat and in some instances I’d even notice a heightened amount of saliva gathering in my mouth. Okay, too much information. However, within minutes my carefully crafted gift list was stuffed away in my purse and I would be in full Miss F. manic shopping mode for none other than yours truly.

Not this year folks! Not during Miss F.’s self-imposed fashion fast. This year Miss F. is in unchartered territory and happy to report she’s handling it like a pro. I’ve created a list and I have been sticking to it damn it!

In fact, I tested the waters this past Friday with my shopping partner in crime Miss S. We logged in over 3 hours of holiday shopping and not only did I not buy anything for myself, I wasn’t even tempted! I think in large part because I didn’t allow myself to even look, gaze or feel a piece of women’s clothing. I was focused and committed to being as productive and focused as possible. I commented to Miss S. at the end of the night that I was surprised at how much I got accomplished when I wasn’t factoring myself into the “gift buying” equation. In the past I normally would feel guilty, depleted and broke after my “one for you, two for me” holiday shopping spree. Not this time! Of special note, not an ounce of drool built up in my jowls during the whole experience.

I still find that I struggle in some ways though with the desire to over give. I’m not sure if it’s part of my shopping addiction or in some ways how I define love. I remember once when I was 8 years old on Christmas morning counting the number of gifts my siblings got compared to myself. I started to cry when I figured out that I got 2 less gifts than my sister. It goes without saying that this did not go over well with my father and it was pointed out that I was being ungrateful. I don’t disagree. I was so focused on the number of gifts, and who got what, that I totally lost the meaning of Christmas and that love is not defined through gifts. Something about this memory still stays with me.

There is a book called “The Five Love Languages” which talks about the 5 different ways we all give and receive love. It’s based on the fact that what we observed in our families of origin directly correlates with how we define love. And guess what; receiving gifts is one of the 5 love languages!

I recently went to the Love Languages web site and took the assessment test to find out what my primary love language is, convinced that it would be receiving gifts. The book states that of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

My test results shockingly revealed that Receiving Gifts ranked lowest and Words of Affirmation ranked the highest with Quality Time and Physical Touch ranking a close second. So this blows my theory about why I like to “over give” to show my love to others. I’m aware of this aspect of myself, even if it doesn’t rank high on the Love Languages scale. I do show my love to others through gifts. Gifts are short lived though and Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation rank higher in the grand scheme. I need to remind myself of that when I’m back out there shopping. I don’t need to overdo it in the gift department whether it is for me or for others. That’s not what love and friendship is about. Here’s to love!

Happy Holidays!

Miss F.

Turning 40 and other life transitions…

First, I want to give thanks to all of my 22 subscribers. Thank you for supporting me, it means so much! Have a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving!

OK, let's get down to business. I need your help! Have you ever heard of the Life Event’s Scale?  It’s a scale that calculates the level of stress (distress) in your life. It gives a listing of various life events that can cause stress and after you check all of the boxes that apply to you, within 5 seconds you can learn where you fall on the life stressors scale. I recently decided to complete the scale as I have several upcoming events that I deem stressful. However, according to the Life Event's Scale, I should be managing just fine. My final score was under 150 which is deemed as "Low susceptibility to stress-related illness".

I was shocked! Mainly because my stress level has been in a heightened state lately. I mean, where's the check box for turning 40?  Last  time I checked it was considered a milestone birthday and can create existential crisis even in the most stable of persons. And while I'm asking, where's the box for moving to another state and moving in with your boyfriend and his three daughters after you've been single and living on your own for most of your 40, soon to be plus, years?!  Finally, where's the box for changing your job structure and working from home instead of going to the office that you've been working at for 4 years in a vibrant city with established work friends?

I need to come clean. I'm a Type A person who was raised by an ex captain in the marines and at times I find myself running my life like the military. I love order and making lists. In fact, I have lists of my lists. On top of it, if I don't cross everything off my list by a given time, I can easily be sent into a tailspin and move right into the high susceptibility to stress related illness category. Flexibility and deviation from my routine has never been my strong suit. Throw in a milestone birthday, a move, changing job structure, a boyfriend and three daughters and my self-induced military base has been going to hell in a handbasket (or however that saying goes..).

Please don't get me wrong, all of these upcoming changes are well worth it. I have found love and after 40 years of searching, moving to be with Mr. S is the only direction I want to be heading in. Yet for me when there is change, which often brings about stress and anxiety, I tend to turn to my old, familiar vice- SHOPPING. That’s right folks, I am jonesing for a good ole shopping spree right about now.

It hit me this past weekend when my boyfriend drove me through a strip mall that housed all my old time favorite stores (Nordrstrom Rack, DSW Shoes, etc.) that my fashion fast will be coming to an end (Jan 22nd) right around the time when I will be going through these major life transitions. My past behavior would send me right out to these stores rather than allow myself to sit with the feelings that change can stir in me- anxiety, fear, excitement, loss, etc. etc…It’s crossed my mind that maybe I should extend my fashion fast for a few more months. A sort of self-imposed- YOU MUST FEEL THE FEELINGS DURING THIS CHANGE clause! OR, do I dare, allow myself to come off this fast on said date and see if I can ease back into the real world of shopping by trying to be calm, balanced and non extreme in my behavior? By allowing myself to experience the stress or any other feeling that arises in my life and figure out a way to sit with it versus drive to the nearest clothes store?

I’m truly on the fence about what to do. I still have time and will continue to mull this over. In the meantime, I would though love to hear from you. Let me know what you think I should do and also feel free to share where you fall on the stress scale!

One Day at a Time.

Miss F.

I think I can, I think I can….

I was going through an over stuffed box of receipts last night and couldn’t help but  take in the bundle of receipts from the various shopping excursions I had been on before this fashion fast began. The receipts were remnants of a time when I hopped from store to store in search of the perfect “something”. There was no denying my shopping habit when I sifted through that box last night. There it was staring me right in the face. From the Ann Taylor Loft receipt documenting the “must have” cream colored ruffled blouse for $17.99 to the Kate Spade camel colored patent leather pumps for $299.00… it was just one thin paper receipt after another tracking small, medium and large purchases over the years. As I was sifting through the box, I found myself hoping that the next receipt would show something meaningful and evoke a positive feeling or a sweet memory. However, the deeper I dug, the emptier I felt. It gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach. And then the thought occured to me, "what if I never went on this fashion fast?" What if my run-away fashion train that logged hundreds of miles in far off lands like Bloomingdales, JCrew, Anthropologie, Off-5th, Century 21 and more never stopped to take inventory on myself or my closet? What if it never ran out of steam?

Each day there has been some kind of reminder of my past behavior and the time I spent focusing on shopping. Last night it was the box of receipts, this morning it was the Coach ballet shoes that are half a size too small that I never should have purchased and tomorrow, well tomorrow I'm hoping the reminders eventually end. I'm thinking that the train I transferred over to, A.K.A the Fashion Fast Train, is heading in a healthier direction. I believe that the remnants of my previous shopping behavior will eventually start to decrease. Don't get me wrong, they have been nice wake-up calls and constant reminders that I'm doing the right thing by taking a break.

While I know this fashion fast train is slowing down and coming to an end on January 22nd, I do believe it has been heading in the right direction....I know I can, I know I can!

Miss F.

Finding My Place in the World

First, I want to thank my siblings for the tip on how to stop catalog mailings. There is a website called catalogchoice.org  that is a non-profit site where you can remove yourself from all the lists. Since my last posting, I've gotten off a lot of mailing lists!

Lately, I've been feeling a little out of sorts.  Kind of wondering what my place in the world will be once this fast comes to an end. I’m entering into my fourth month of not shopping (pause for applause..) and it's been a lot easier than I ever imagined. Due to my self-induced shopping fast, my mind has been less and less occupied with thoughts of shopping and buying new clothes. Part of it is I’m pretty busy- traveling between Boston (where my love lives with his three daughters) and New Jersey/ New York (where I live/ work) and there is barely time for me to think about shopping.

Where did I find the time to shop prior to this fast? And I’m not talking about a quick jaunt into a store to pick up an item and quickly dart out. My shopping sprees sometimes lasted for upwards of 3-4 hours. Don’t get me wrong, it was time well spent even if I walked out of the store with barely one item. To many people this may seem like a complete waste of time. Not for me! I weeded through racks and racks of clothes, made multiple trips to the dressing room and narrowed down the items to exactly what I needed and could afford. Each item adding something special to my wardrobe. I pride myself on being a very thoughtful shopper and always staying within my spending plan. I have a monthly cash allotment for clothes. It's also worth noting that since keeping a spending plan I have never gone over my monthly clothes budget. In fact, I haven’t owned a credit card in over 2 years.

After reading an article in Time Magazine entitled, "The Real Problem with Credit Cards: The Cardholders", I realized credit cards were leading me to a bad place. The basic premise is that we spend more when we use credit cards versus when we use cash. The article states that "once we've got our card in hand, our behavior becomes riddled with irrationalities. In one experiment, Drazen Prelec and Duncan Simester of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that people were willing to pay twice as much for basketball tickets when they were using a credit card as opposed to paying cash. Credit-card spending just doesn't feel like real money." So for me it's all cash on the barrel head, or however that saying goes…

Why am I feeling out of sorts then when this all seems rather well thought out and contained? You see, at this juncture in my fast I would like to figure out a way to enjoy shopping and yes occasionally wile away the hours in a store sifting through the racks, without it switching into obsessive mode. Pre-fast, I always straddled a fine line between obsessive mode shopping and healthy shopping (if there is such a thing!).  I know many of you have been witness to it. In fact, my good friend/ colleague Miss A has recently reminded me of a time, pre-fast, when I found a navy blue, three quartered sleeve cropped blazer online that was completely sold out of my size. Rather than let it go and move on from wanting it I quickly dragged Miss A in the middle of the work day to the nearest store to find my size and indeed they had it. Eureka! I was overjoyed and felt a sigh of relief. I told Miss A that that would be the last fashion obsession I would engage in for at least a month. She looked at me with a knowing smirk that said, Miss F, you’re only fooling yourself.

In some ways it must be like someone who has struggled with giving up an addiction. Whether it's an alcohol, drug, gambling or food addiction, forever the temptation will be there, it’s just a matter of keeping it in check. Some people may use avoidance from the tempation as a way to stay "sober". For me though, staying away from stores is not a reasonable way to live my life. I want to find a way post-fast to be able to continue to enjoy fashion, the art of it all and the creative process of dressing oneself as well as exploring the array of items that are out there, in a nice, balanced manner.  I have two more months to figure this out. I will will continue to use this time to explore ways that I will be able to live healthfully in a world- post fast. Bottoms up! Just kidding :)

One Day at a Time,
Miss F.